I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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