Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
