So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
