Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
