Where is the hickey?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
