I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Bring me that man meat
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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