Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
