Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
