my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
