Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Hippo gnu deer
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
3 2 1 whiskey
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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