he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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