I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
