he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
