I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
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