have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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