i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
