The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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