I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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