Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
