Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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