STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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