wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
