dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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