I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
how does that bad decision feel?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
