Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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