do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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