just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
