I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
