Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
