At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
