I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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