You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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