the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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