Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
