Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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