dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
