I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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