I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
