I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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