can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
home. puking in laundry basket.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
