when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
