I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
