I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
