I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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