I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
