i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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