you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize