Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
