i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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