That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
