Betty ford says i'm here all night
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
