I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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