Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
