put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
