Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
