How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
