One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
