if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
